Conflict is To Be Expected

(Image from 12-phrases-that-will-help-you-resolve-any-conflict)

I have been wondering lately why I feel surprised and disappointed when (not if) conflict arises in a friendship, relationship, or group I am in.

In fact conflict is the most natural thing in the world when there is more than one person in the picture.

Even when I alone, there can be conflict within myself, of course. 

I have been wondering today what life would look like if as children were brought up, they learned not only how completely unremarkable conflict is but were equipped with the skills for healthy resolution?

Skillful speech: Buddhism talks about skillful speech which is a great beginning - practising not lying, slandering, gossiping, or speaking profanely or harshly. It is chastening to realize what harm can be done even saying things in someone's absence that seem benign, and how 'teasing' is often much less innocuous than one thinks.

"What remains are words that are truthful, kind, gentle, useful, and meaningful. Our speech will comfort, uplift, and inspire, and we will be a joy to those around us." (Allan Lokos)

Fully present listening: Even more, listening in healing silence, compassionately, without rushing to add anything. How different it is to listen when one is not busy preparing an answer!

I'm sorry. How can I make amends?: In spite of all the best intentions, sometimes I will totally blow it and the result is conflict. Often the first line of defense is the total absence of defensiveness. Yes, I made a mistake. I am sorry. What can I do to make it up to you? Some mistakes are relatively easily fixed; others take much time and effort. But leading with a recognition of where I went wrong and what I can do to attempt to make it right is often the most effective way to defuse a situation.

Embrace conflict. Don't pretend nothing is wrong: this article  is about work conflict but just as applicable in other spheres. Closing my eyes and believing it will just go away on its own is a futile wish. We will have to talk it out and try to work on a resolution together. Sometimes help is needed, either a trained therapist in a couple's conflict situation or a mediator for a group conflict. Recognizing when one doesn't have the resources to resolve it alone and needs help is the skillful path.


I'm sure many of my friends know of a ton of other effective strategies for conflict resolution. I don't have the answers. Just sitting in awareness of the question: when do I believe conflict is surprising or a sign that people are wrong?